31/05/2014

Book Review: The List by Joanna Bolouri



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                                                       MY SYNOPSIS
Imagine This: Since your cheating, SOB boyfriend dumped you it has put a hole in your sex life. Hole, (I use this word loosely) since he was not much of an experimentalist and loved the old-fashioned way even missionaries stopped using when they came down to Africa to ‘spread theahem, babiesgospel… anyway!

Point is, he messed up your year when you caught him rolling in bed with some unknown creature of giant tits, Miss Tits, you like to refer her. (Even I would have seen it coming since we all men love giant tits, but hey, not all of us love missionary!).

It’s the New Year, and at a celebratory party with your bestest friends in a hotel, you vow to get him off your mind and move on. Thankfully you have your girlfriends, Lucythe serial dater and Hazelthe mother, to help you through. But your friend Oliver says, “Isn’t this another year where you make shitty resolutions about losing weight and you don’t?” As much as you hate it, the dickhead is right, you need to make more realistic resolutions. But what would they be? No, no change of job. You cannot afford to even do that!

So what if you vow to revamp your sex life? Try all those things you’ve never done. Be more adventurous than your old unimaginative boyfriends were. You make a list of all the things you want to try to update your sex life. This year, you are going to create a new you who’s raunchy, who isn’t too frigid, who isn’t afraid to try that or tap that. Your friends scream, “Atta girl!” You are scared shitless but still would go through this mumbo-jumbo.

But fuck, you need a partner. Someone skillful and adventurous to help you. Oh, and did I mention you are single? Fuck, it must have skipped my mind.

Phoebe Henderson’s life for your entertainment.

MY REVIEW
I loved, loved this book! So in my review, you all know I’ll be screaming at you to go get this!

(I read through cold nights!) The storyline is perrrrr-fect! Not done before, or rather, not executed the way Joanna Bolouri did it. Ordinary girl makes new year resolutions that she’d actually follow through this year (so new), ordinary girl brings up the most bizarre sex list (so new), ordinary girl really goes through all this sex list and really comes out with a change—mind you, a very positive one (so new)! Who would have known sex could make a good girl turn best? I love the whole brain behind this story. Marvelous execution.—★

Joanna Bolouri made me remember why I love debut authors. The needle in the haystack published authors. The ones who have so unique voices among the pile, it’s a must-publish. But, I’m digressing here…—★★

(I walked around the house hiding my hard-on from five brothers, one inquisitive mother and one dad who wouldn’t quit making me ran errands for him!) I loved, loved Phoebe. God, knows how much I did! Ballsy characters are New Age Chick-lit, everyone now wants a character who’d venture paths no one tries, who’d go all the way. And as if that is not enough, she’s funny, she’s adorable (even when she’s not polite). I couldn’t resist yelling, “Pick me! Pick me!” after I saw her jaw-dropping list. She’s probably the reason guys would convert to strict chicklitarians, and while she might put many women off she’d do that because they’d die to be her (because who really isn’t sick of that monotony New Year resolution shits: lose weight, get married, get job, then a New Year comes and you achieved nothing! Urgh!) So fuck, she’s relatable!—★★★

(I found out two of my brothers read this book, explains the smug smiles in my direction whenever they saw me reading in the garden! Fuck! Awkwardly embarrassed!) The characters in this book were awweeesoome! From Lucy who had the bad girl appeal I loved, loved and who wouldn’t bother dumping men because they write poetry even if the sex is amazing (Poor me). From Hazel, the mother who wouldn’t make her single friends hate hanging out with her because she wouldn’t make them feel being single sucked thinking being married is the closest to being in heaven. I loved Oliver, really, I’m more like him, very open to other options, only I wouldn’t be brave enough to try some of the things he’d already done. Frank, the annoying boss who I’d hate forever for getting into a position (I mean the word with a double entendre) that I’d always wanted to get in from the start of the book. Alex, the moron cheater, who for some reason I think really, women all around the globe should read this book and beware of such exes (who want to make a comeback. Lonely Bag of Shit!). Phoebe’s parents who were outrageous, adventurous and were always never around. Kelly, the office cat, always meowing in languages no one understood. Brian, the young, office dickhead who screamed his workplace conquests at the top of his lungs. All the characters and the ones I failed to mention, made this reading worthwhile.—★★★★

(I laughed so hard it surpassed the number of times I felt some growth under my jeans) It was really hilarious, really. I am nuts for how Joanna portrayed the sex scenes, not like your average porn where everything is up-close and makes you want to gag… like I just did (sorry for the imagery). No, thank you, I’m into soft core where they actually teach you kissing is stimulating… I’M NEVER GOING TO DIGRESS AGAIN, I CROSS MY HEART! And everyone loves sex scenes that leaves them imagining (and fantasizing—but no, I promised I’d stick to the topic).—★★★★★

(I vowed not to read this book anywhere outside my house, but why did it find its way with me in the conference room, anytime an annoying coworker was giving a suggestion) So yes, I couldn’t put this book down, if I didn’t have work I’m sure I’d read it all in a sitting. Wait a minute, no, that would have been hurting myself (I’m a guy, unlike you ladies, I have to occasionally walk around to blow off steam).—★★★★★

My rating: Five stars en point.

The List is available in both paperback and kindle on Amazon.

(Mother: I want to read the book. Me: (withdraw so quickly you’d think I’d just been electrocuted) No, no, it’s the kind of book everyone should have their copy!) I recommend this book to anyone who stocks revolutionary, different chick-lit released over the years, because I’m sure Joanna Bolouri is joining my list of Women Who Changed The Scene Of Chick-lit. I recommend this book to anyone who loves their chick-lit sexciting! Anyone who wouldn’t mind combining in a little humor, a little raunchy and a little heart-warming, should get this. Plus, I did think it was a great read because the romance wasn’t too mushy-mushy. Thanks, but I don’t like books that try so hard to sweep me off my feet, especially ones with no humor… here I am digressing again. THE END!

My work not done here. Off to post my review on Goodreads.

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