Guest Post: Ellyn Oaksmith (Author of Divine Moves)

 Ellyn Oaksmith author of fab Divine Moves I recently reviewed, guest posts for the new year! Want to consider making resolutions before you dive right into the new year? Hear Ellyn Oaksmith out.

 

Why New Year’s Resolutions Will Ruin Your Life, Make a Mockery of You and Lose Your Dog’s Love… or not.

When I was fourteen, I took a trip through the Southwest glued to the back seat of my cousin’s car, which was approximately the size of a humpback whale. We ate at a lot of restaurants that featured things like sandwiches dipped in batter and fried and desserts with the words “wagon wheel” involved. Spa food it was not. Between those stops we ate ice cream, candy and whatever kind of junk we could con my uncle and aunt into buying, which was probably a lot because when we were eating, we couldn’t fill the car with fighting, blather and questions about where we were going, what we were doing and why tonight, we got the real bed instead of the cot based on a rotation that somehow no one could agree upon. My aunt and uncle probably relied heavily on cocktails to make the trip palatable.

The result of this trip was a lot of fun and great memories and one horrible moment when I, for the first time in my life, looked at myself in the mirror and said, “I need to go on a diet.” I had brought back from the Southwest my own personal saddle bags. On my thighs.

Being more of a kid than a teenager, I put this thought out of my mind. Until New Year’s Eve, when it seemed like a good time to proclaim to the world that I was going to lose weight. If you ever want your mother to wake you up in the wee hours before school to join her and her crazy friend at a local track, tell her that you want to lose weight.

I found myself huffing and puffing in the fog at an hour that I should have been safely tucked into bed.  My mom was the only one who managed to drag herself around that God forsaken track., which struck me as the perfect place for serial killers to hang out. If they woke up early.  Her friend always walked, claiming one ailment or another, which grew increasingly colorful (don’t ask) until she quit joining us altogether. I dragged myself home, looking forward to a hot shower that was about six seconds long because the run had put me in the flight line of my siblings, who needed the shower.  My six seconds of hot water were punctuated by people banging on the door and yelling. Thus began my first New Year’s resolution.

I now found myself getting pointed looks when I took an extra piece of bread at dinner. Of course I could have been imagining it but I did find out the one rule of diet that has always held true for me: go on a diet and not only will you not lose weight, you will be miserable. I had no clue how to diet, other than to eat things I didn’t like. My mother told me that as a flight attendant, back when they were called stewardesses and had weight requirements, a diet meant eating crackers, cheese and oranges, probably washed down with martinis. I do remember a single huge cracker with melted cheese and some apples being my lunch. I probably lost and gained the same five pounds several times before the next sport season started. I abandoned my diet and promptly lost all the weight and then some without trying.

My latest New Year’s Resolution brought out gales of laughter from my sister. Inspired by a blogger who even wrote a book about it, I was going to go an entire year, not without buying anything but food, as she had done but to go a year without new clothes. My sister, when she was done laughing said, “I give it 2 weeks. 3 tops.” Have I mentioned that my sister knows me better than any person on the planet, except my husband who has the decency and survival skills to pretend that some of my lamer plans have merit? Witness: my plan to make all my own maternity clothes that ended with one unfortunate dress that Laura Ingalls Wilder could have rocked.  The first person who saw me in the dress said, “Howdy.”

My plan not to buy any clothes came from a desire to live a simpler life. It wasn’t so much the money, it was the time it took to drive to the mall, shop, bring it home and often return them several times because I am a neurotic shopper. Or I used to be. Okay, I kind of still am. Had I known that my future as a mother of teen girls would mean many hours at the mall, I wouldn’t have bothered. I would have kept on shopping, which I didn’t do all that much. Still, I longed for the kind of life you see in magazines: houses that are neatly ordered with baskets and little clutter. Closets that are filled with color coordinated clothes that can take one from casual to dressy events without the shrieking and screaming one hour before I am supposed to be downtown that I have nothing to wear and I hate all my clothes. My husband’s reaction to this: keep getting dressed. Pass by wife’s closet as though deaf. Mention that we’re due to leave in ten minutes and a towel and wet hair is not “festive attire.”

My resolution about no new clothes lasted 3 weeks. I think it had something to do with something I needed. I have a walk in closet full of clothes. I needed these clothes because I needed something else. Which says more about my resolution that I’d care to discuss. Let’s just say I am not the first woman to seek happiness in a store. Spoiler: it’s not there.

So there you have my two New Year’s Resolutions. They resulted in my resolution for the past handful of years: not to make any more resolutions. I have been able to keep this one, along with a few muttered thoughts about being kinder, a better listener, housekeeper, mother and friend. I have promised my dog longer walks.

Overall I think the value of resolutions is the desire to be a better person. Hopefully we all have that. To me, if you are trying, you are alive. No matter if you voice your resolutions, light them on a paper and burn them or whisper them into the night air, it’s all for the greater good. I haven’t heard of anyone who wished to be meaner, nastier and to cut in front of people in traffic, although I have certainly met them.

So here’s to being better people in 2014. Or at least trying.

If you’re still casting around for a resolution, try this one: read my book!

(Click image to purchase)

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There you have it. Ellyn Oaksmith.

Check out my review of my the Fab Divine Moves.

Catch Ellyn on twitter. She loves it when readers get social.

Festive Book Review: Divine Moves By Ellyn Oaksmith

Another post inspired by the festive season.

Blurb: A colorful grandma, a daughter in denial, an angry granddaughter. Welcome to the family.

With her marriage on the rocks, Meryl thinks life can't get any worse -- until her mother shows up. Faye, a former stripper and born again Christian, plans on opening an exotic dance and fitness studio in Meryl's exclusive lakeside community. If mother and daughter don't kill each other first.

While her kids stage their own rebellion and her husband fights to win her back, Meryl finds comfort in the arms of a handsome sheriff recovering from his own loss.

After her mother ropes Meryl's book club into performing at a charity tea to promote the new studio, Meryl finds she must face her past. But first she has to get through Christmas.

Funny and smart, Divine Moves reveals the forces that derail our lives and the sometimes divine intervention that keeps us on track.

"There are hundreds of people out there. Women in suits and dresses. I can't do this. I cannot get up on stage and dance in front of them, let alone take off my clothes. "

"She's freaking out, what do we do?" Diane asked as Lorraine started breathing in rapid, throaty gasp.

"Slap her!" Sandy said, looking both domineering and adorable in her tuxedo with tails and fishnet stockings.

Carol rushed up, intercepting Sandy by grabbing her wrist before she could administer a blow.

Sandy jerked her hand away, annoyed. "What? It works in the movies."

Oh my, oh my, oh my. My new year might be looking up to better days thanks to Ellyn Oaksmith. And of course, Divine Moves.

Meryl Howe hits rock bottom when she catches her husband cheating with a sleazy neighbour who borrows Meryl's coat as she's being thrown out. Luckily, though it was a hard impact, she still has her legs. So she's seeking to move on. Though it wouldn't be easy with Christmas around the corner. When she's been cut emotionally deep, how can she just hang in there in a season that's all about love? Especially when she has no love, how can she get through Christmas this year? Besides, the stress of always being a good wife is weighing down on her when the bills come and her children home from school with their own dilemma to add to hers?

Fortunately, Faye, mother of Meryl comes into the picture, as the super-heroine. As if she's got the solutions to solve all the problems. How can one hopeless alcoholic (whose been sober for four years) handle her grandchildren when she screwed up the whole shebang as a mother?

The questions are: Will Meryl get through Christmas with her mother in the picture claiming she has the business idea that would save her, Meryl's butt? Will both her children keep out of trouble now that she has less time to supervise thanks to a shitty job at Macy's perfume section selling La Vie Est Belle (love the irony)? Will her husband ever stop pestering her about forgiveness even though he's sharing a house next door with the other trashy woman? Is she safe leaving her children in the care of her mother who's busy filling out loan forms for her "business" idea? And most importantly, will Meryl find love this Christmas and be able to patch up her broken heart?

There are two TV shows I'd stone anyone if they ever disrupt my watching them. One, Grey's Anatomy. Two, Desperate Housewives. This book is so Desperate Housewives with a unique storyline. So it means I got anyone who interrupted my reading stoned. (But, hey, my mum was an exception and Ellyn would have to forgive me since this book is all about mothers)

My Desperate Housewives sweeties, let me take you back down Wisteria Lane. When Lynette had cancer and her mum, Polly Bergen walked in to help. I have pictures:

But take out Lynette of the picture and put in Bree.

I loved Bree! Forget Purple is the New Black, Meryl is the new Bree. I digged how Meryl was emotionally detached always striving to be the good wife. Her perfectionism was insane. I couldn't relate to her more than I'm sure you women would. The silly thing about a gender barrier. But I loved her nonetheless like I loved Bree. Her struggle, her complexity, everything about her was so three-dimensional. And holy cow, it was the first time I didn't need 3D goggles to reach out and feel a character —★

I loved that this was a multiple character read. It was a nice change from most of the first-person narrative you see in women's fiction genre. And besides our lead girl, the characters were amazing. From Jackie the sister whose relationships don't get past moving-in stage because she'd be honest she hasn't gotten into terms with allowing a pet in despite her being singe. Sam, the cop who kept more of his eyes on Meryl and less of on the bad guys—loved the romance this character contributed to the story. Faye, the mother who can work a pole probably less than she can a sandwich—like any true mother. The Women at the book club whose personalities made me crack up, my personal fav. Sandy Chen, who would never ever get any chance to slap someone in life after she let her one chance pass.—★★ Ooh, almost forgot Nathalie, the wild child with a sharp tongue glued with loads of funny, snippy, snide remarks.

You would fall hopelessly for this book because of the humor in it. Unless you are wearing a jaw strap (if such a thing exists), prepare to poop in your pants. —★★★ I am not supposed to reveal to the world I am contemplating on going au naturel, you know what I mean. I could be a chick-lit character and though you might all be judging me now, would feel sympathy for me to know that I got no pants left.

I might be trying to hide it all with a funny review. But I wouldn't do justice to this book if I don't tell you I did shed a few tears. The book came at a moment whern I was battling my own addiction for sometime. It's only yesterday that my cousin, Anita was arguing with me about a thing as a perfect marriage. Thanks to Ellyn Oaksmith, I took the right stance. The perfect marriage, with all the happily- ever-laters all happen because of one secret. The secret of reconciliation. —★★★★ This book teaches so many issues that we all people as men and women going through marriage, addiction, a shitty present resulting from a shitty past can learn.

I just love this book because it just wasn't your typical Santa holiday read. It actually brings in the thought that while you might have your Christmas revolving all around Santa, some just got home from Charity Galas to find their husbands caught in the act and going through one hell of a Christmas, so just be thankful! —★★★★★

I loved, loved Divine Moves and it's available on Amazon.

Trust me I laughed myself to a headache when I caught the only reference to the title. It's all a Divine Intervention, as Carol one of the book club members puts it. Lol.

Hope you love this one. Totally recommending it to anyone who has tried thinking of learning exotic dancing without the greasy fingers shoving down dollar bills in your panties. Anyone who just wants the best imagery of their lives seeing the most unusual characters doing the most unusually interesting things. Anyone who just wants a blast these last few days of 2013.

To be very honest with you, I'm wondering how I can get this review intact on Amazon. It's actually the first time, I'm thinking of bargaining with the morons to copy-paste this review on their fabulous site with the shitty review system. And I am glad my blogging life this year ended on a good note.

My rating might just be a five/five star

Happy Holidays! Till 2014 , Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

I am grateful for all the amazing books of you all fabulous indie authors I took on! Love you all to pieces!

Another post inspired by the festive season.