Guest Post/Blog Tour: Guardian For Hire by Christine Bell

Title: Guardian for Hire
Genre: Romance
Author: Christine Bell
Publisher: Entangled Indulgence
Pages: 149
Language: English
Format: Ebook

Sarabeth Lucking's life is turned upside down when the couples’ retreat she works for winds up embroiled in the biggest scandal of the year. With her reputation in tatters, she can’t imagine things getting worse, until her former co-workers are rubbed out, and a bad-ass, ex-Army Ranger shows up hell-bent on protecting her. She shows him the door, perfectly content with letting him go find someone else to brood over. Right up until her car explodes into a ball of flames...

Gavin McClintock grew up on the streets of Edinburgh, so protecting Dr. Stick-Up-Her-Rear isn't on his bucket list. Still, a promise is a promise, and, after her brush with death, he’s going to do whatever it takes to keep Sarabeth safe. When she finally gives in and shreds her librarian-in-mourning look in favor of a sex kitten, the revealing clothes and sexy new hairdo unleash the spitfire she’s been hiding beneath that shell of propriety.

Maybe the doc isn’t the only one in need of protection…

PURCHASE AT AMAZON

Thanks for having me today to celebrate the release of Guardian for Hire!

Today, I thought I could talk a little about what makes us fall in love with a fictional character. It sounds crazy, but it happens. You know the feeling, when you wish that hot, special ops hero could climb right off the page and move in with you, or that funny sidekick friend was real so you could have drinks and do karaoke together.

Books are funny like that, because regardless of genre, it’s the characters that matter most. If I fall in love with the characters, nothing else matters. I’ll follow them down a mine shaft, or to another planet or to Regency era London, or to a dystopian future. Because I’m invested. I care about them and their story. I think the best authors make us do that through voice. I’m a sucker for humor, but if I really think on it, that’s just a small piece of it. More important? Things that make them relatable. Do they have a little stutter when they get stressed out? Will they only eat if none of their food touches on the plate? Do they have a weird ritual they do before they leave for school every morning, like jumping off the front step and hitting the wind chimes with their fingertips? People are weird. We do weird stuff all the time. If characters aren’t a little weird too, readers can’t relate.

 Another thing I think that makes me love a character is if they are vulnerable and flawed in some way. If not, it’s hard to connect. Readers want to see themselves on the page, and know that their hero or heroine has been through strife, is a wide open nerve for the author to poke and prod. Sounds sadistic, right? But without it, who cares. I mean, that’s the investment, right? Without falling into a crevice due to hiking-hubris, there IS no sawing off of the proverbial arm. And without the sawing off of the proverbial arm, where is the “HELL YEAH!” The fist pump along with that good, juicy feeling payoff of seeing someone climb out of that hole, overcoming the odds? Where’s our Rocky or our Big Mike from the Blind Side? In order to celebrate the victory, we have to witness the suffering too, and that requires our protagonist to be vulnerable.

 I’m weird. And I’m vulnerable. And I’m flawed. So, like, whenever I draw a picture or doodle of something like a snowman, I always draw two so that when I close the notebook, there’s not just the one left there all lonely. Frigging weird, right?  And my kryptonite would be maggots. Show me maggots and I will tell you ANYTHING you want to know. As for flaws, I have a ton. I think my least favorite one is that I love to argue. Seriously, even if I don’t believe what I’m arguing about, I STILL have the intense urge to debate about it. It’s not cute, but it’s me.

About Christine Bell

Christine Bell is a USA Bestselling Author of contemporary romance novels and one half of the happiest couple in the world. She and her handsome hubby currently reside in Pennsylvania with a four-pack of teenage boys and their two dogs, Gimli and Pug. If she gets time off from her duties as maid, chef, chauffeur, or therapist, she can be found reading just about anything she can get her hands on, from Young Adult novels to books on poker theory. She doesn’t like root beer, clowns or bugs (except ladybugs, on account of their cute outfits), but lurrves chocolate, going to the movies, the New York Giants and playing Texas Hold ‘Em. Writing is her passion, but if she had to pick another occupation, she would be a pirate…or, like, a ninja maybe. She loves writing fun, sexy romances, but also hopes to one day publish something her dad can read without wanting to dig his eyes out with rusty spoons. Christine loves to hear from readers, so please feel free to get in touch with her via the Contact Page, or find her on Twitter @_ChristineBell.

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Book Review: Getting Rooted In New Zealand by Jamie Baywood.

Recounting experiences from a trip to New Zealand, Jamie Baywood pens a novel, brilliantly fast-paced, rich with humor and highly informative. The one book that would make you think again about planning an 'ultimate' escapade.

Blurb: Craving change and lacking logic, at 26, Jamie, a cute and quirky Californian, impulsively moves to New Zealand to avoid dating after reading that the country’s population has 100,000 fewer men. In her journal, she captures a hysterically honest look at herself, her past and her new wonderfully weird world filled with curious characters and slapstick situations in unbelievably bizarre jobs. It takes a zany jaunt to the end of the Earth and a serendipitous meeting with a fellow traveler before Jamie learns what it really means to get rooted.

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"Your family seems to have a lot of stomach problems.” I said to Gretchen.

“Yeah, my mum has a giant scar on her stomach from waking up during surgery from getting her appendix out, and my brother has been constipated for over eight years.”

“What? Your brother hasn’t pooed for eight years? How’s that possible? How old is he?”

"He’s ten. No, he has pooed. It’s just after he was potty trained when he was two, he only poos in his pants now.”

“That’s not constipation, that’s something else. You should take him to the doctor.”

“We have. He has ADHD. He’s so hyper when he comes over to my house; I just lock him in the bathroom."

"I guess that’s a good place to keep him with his condition."

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This book was fantastic. Nothing short of it. It's fun to know all the penned down had happened. Nothing but the truth. Wriiten in a form of a journal entry, it's so hilarious when you figure this time you've hit rock bottom, sitting on your butt and wondering how you can move on, then all of a sudden jetting away to a place where no one knows you so you could start afresh seems superb, but your destination wasn't as you thought it was and you wound up in a shitty country with a shitty economy with not much to brag about in the 'American Junk Food' department and you are stuck with eating what isn't close to healthy either. You want to move back into your country but you think you can make it all work, "It's cake." you keep telling yourself. The thought of failure drives you on and on even though you share cubicle walls with co-workers who send pics of their dicks taken from various ranges (nothing bothers much when that weiner in concern is ugly and teeny and weenie), and a workplace where no one gets your jokes, a boss whose mouth reeks of the habitat of a dead mouse yet won't stop to consider mouth-spray when they think it's OK yelling at you for something which they are clearly responsible for. Then when you ever think of really leaving, you can't, not because the US universal tax law for work-abroad citizens is the best idea govt over the years implemented, but you have made some very good friends, had the most hilarious experiences, found yourself and most importantly found the most charming man with a thong-dropping Scottish accent. Worse of all, you are not sure what labels to put on this relationship, but you are sure when you stick around, and chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, answers might come soon.

It's Eat. Pray. Love gone Cheat. Pay. Sort of Love. But you would love it for all the laughter it will bring you, the truth that's been lurking on the surface untold (like why everyone hates America when she's in charge of bailing them out of financial woes), and why you should be thankful you are not living another country's dream.

With a heroine you can relate to, (I mean, who hasn't hit rock bottom and felt like escaping? Who hasn't fallen in love in another country/state and fought hard to be with the person? Who hasn't craved Ben and Jerry's being in another country? Who hasn't struggled with confusing foreign accents? And most importantly, who hasn't dealt with words that have totally different/embarrassing meanings elsewhere?) it's fascinating we make such a connection with our lead that whatever emotion she's going through we feel for her. I don't know if it's because it's non-fiction or it's because she was well-written, but even if she's sex-deprived we all relate to her and kinda feel horny too (if my dad appears around the block, I DO NOT OWN THIS BLOG!).

The characters in this book are just so hilarious. From Jamie herself, the heroine who tells jokes you'd want to laugh at and hit your head against something in the process but wouldn't because everyone else in the room is glaring at her. To the paralympics sports promoter who could have been a prospective date except with one teeny problem about Jamie's roommates coming in to carry him onto her bed and allow her have her way with him. Barry, the dickhead who distributes professionally taken pictures of his dick around the office and tries convincing Jamie into escorting him buy a (crotchless) pantyhose. Gretchen the co-worker whose rough childhood (accidents) would get you guffawing. There was Grant, the sweet, sensitive, Scottish boyfriend who you would all envy about Jamie's life (I didn't despite my colorful description). All these characters and so much more I couldn't catch up with made this book one blast of entertaining.

Together we roll with Jamie till she makes that fulfilling decision that would change her life forever. Including her single status.

But while I would give it a five star elsewhere, I have to be honest about its shaky start. Struggled at the opening chapter to get to love, love it. But I did eventually.

So, my rating stands at a 4.5 star.

Jamie Baywood's hilarious travel memoir is available on Amazon in both kindle and Paperback.

I recommend this book to anyone whose ever thought of jetting away at the slightest problem. Anyone who loves crossing borders to find out how people are living (or is coping a more appropriate term?). Anyone overseas who has the feeling other internationals don't like them and judge based on a nationality label. You looking for sweet ooey-gooey love? This is your kinda kindle/paperback. More importantly, anyone who wants to have a fantastic time laughing so hard they beg for a refund when they can't take it anymore.

My work not done here. Off to post my review on Goodreads and Amazon.

Book Review: My Big Greek Family By Maria Constantine

Blurb: Georgina Andreou is at a crossroad in her life; professionally she’s successful, but her personal life is unfulfilled and lacking. As her huge Greek family descend upon the house to celebrate her thirtieth birthday, Georgina resigns herself to the fact that she is alive, but not living. Still at home with her parents and siblings, she’s torn between the traditional Greek values with which she has been raised and a more liberated,adventurous future. The time has finally come for Georgina to make some serious changes in her life in order to find happiness. And she isn’t the only sibling in the Andreou household who’s facing a culture clash; Katherina falls for an unlikely suitor at work, despite her family’s relentless mission to get a ring on her finger, and she is forced to face a secret she has kept buried for many years in order to take a risk on love again. Meanwhile Sophia, the youngest of the Andreou sisters, and the most rebellious, discovers a new spiritual direction in her life. The sisters’ bond is strengthened when the three of them decide to go on holiday together; secrets unravel and hidden emotions finally surface.

The trip acts as a catalyst for change in the girls’ lives and provides them with the courage they need in order to move forward. For Georgina, it helps her to find the strength to be the woman she wants to be and not the woman she is expected to be. But back in London, the sisters will have to steel themselves against opposition from their parents who find it hard to understand the cultural challenges their children face. Will their responsibility to the family prove impossible to resist?

———————————————

It was a lovely evening and not a single leaf swayed on the branches. Glancing out of the kitchen window, Georgina noticed Mr Macaroni hanging over the fence with a shoot in his hand. Georgina smiled as her mother bounced up from her seat, having seen him too.

‘Ah, must be the marrow he wanna give me to plant,’ she said with enthusiasm as she escaped to the garden to meet him.

‘Better keep an eye on him, Dad. First he wants to give her marrows – and before you know it, he’ll want to show her his cucumbers.’

Their father snorted dismissively, while Georgina and Katherina chuckled as they peered into the garden from their seats. They watched their mother return with a satisfied smile on her face.

‘Just don’t go showing him your melons, Mum."

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One huge lively Greek family. Three charming sisters. A journey to self-discovery. A journey of pure bliss.

Three sisters, Katharina, Georgina and Sophia love the time spent with each other. Spinters past thirty, thirty and close, but who says all you need is male company for some excitement. As sisters the three have an unbreakable bond, and together they would leave all family expectations to embark on the road to finding themselves.

Katharina is past thirty. Her parents have been scheming since on giving her over to "rich, Greek man". A career woman who cares less about towing the family traditions. If it was up to her, she'd elope with her job and remain spinster forever. Until Markus, the new employee makes an appearance so easy-going, good-looking and funny. Katharina can handle men... at arms-length. So if Markus ever thinks something might happen between them, he's certainly wrong. Or even if she wanted to, she's Greek and he isn't. Worse, she's been scarred for life by an incident that leaves her at war with the male generation.

Georgina turns thirty with family expectations weighing down on her neck. Her life is mundane as a school teacher who has to deal with students who give teachers very descriptive nicknames and fart with damage that can rival a hurricane's. It's clear she's not happy with all family expectations pushing her against the wall on how to live her life. In her parent's house. She's been warned by her dad to stay clear of men with 'evil', intentions. No one goes behind the family in search of a husband. But when Jake enters with blue eyes that promise more than friendship, would she be able to let go and take this one chance? Or thanks to her meddling cousin, Mario, who always has news on Jakes exploits, would she be able to trust him?

Sophia below thirty, wild child who gave up the education to train in hairdressing. Amongst all her sisters it's she who's looked down upon. Or at least that's what she thinks. Then when she begins sneaking out at late hours and coming back at early hours—a highly disapproving trait for an unmarried Greek woman, everybody begins to worry for what secrets she's keeping. And to make things worse, she's making a transformation from Bad Girl Gone Good sending everyone into confusion.

Follow these sisters journey of love, friendship, secrets, fucked-up family arranged dates and self-discovery. At the end of the day, family matters, and sisterhood flourishes.

This book is fantastic. I got reeled in by the blurb because the sound of Greek just transported my mind to My Big Fat Greek Wedding (isn't it surprising the guy who played Toula's dad, has the same last name as Maria?), a movie I devoured, huddled on the couch with the remote pressed to my chest. It was such a shame I jumped into conclusions because this book was nothing like that John Corbett and Nia Vardalos movie. But I took on the same posture, huddled on the couch with my e-reader falling onto my chest every time whatever emotions I was going through peaked. —★

I loved the storyline. Amazing. The plot is unique, the pace was breath-takingly slow but engaging. You know those kind of movies with no soundtrack, air blowing in the background dominated by chirping birds or bustling vehicles, simple sounds of day-to-day activities magnified (like the banging of a door or just footsteps and breathing patterns), that have irregular transitions between scenes yet you'd want to stick with because you have fallen for the heroine's plight? This book was one of such movies, the ones that end on such simple note of fulfilment which makes your eyes go misty. —★★

Was there anything I didn't love about this book? No. The characters were not exactly fun to read about but were amazing. From Christina, mum of three sisters who's moment of actualization would stem from her daughters being married off and constantly chasing away a neighbour's irritating cat from her garden. To Joseph, the quiet dad whose decisions were met with finality. To Dimitri the brother whose laid-back actions would piss any reader off, even more so when he's treated as a king like every other Greek boy. Markus, Jake, Harry, totally adorable men who contributed to the romance in this book. Lara, Celia, the raunchy karaoke friends. To all the members of the huge Greek extended family who were sometimes aggravating and lovely at the same time. All these characters sure put a blast in the title and made it, as I said earlier, unique—★★★

If you'd want a guide to going on a fun-packed, soul-searching vacation to Greece, this is it. The move from all the chaos of London to less plied roads and enchanting scenery thanks to Maria's description was a plus for this book. I was only on my couch, reading in the dark, but why did I feel like I was touring the majestical charm of ancient Greece, eating Mediterranean delicacies and sun-bathing with other tourists along the shores of beaches? All because of Maria, I might take six jobs this year (if I ever get the chance with school work) saving for a vacation to a Greece that would never happen for me. —★★★★

A star also to the precious moments in this book. The ones that made me wonder, the ones that made me smile, the ones that made me chuckle and the ones that made me feel so happy for any reader who might make the choice to grab this book.

My rating: Five stars.

My Big Greek Family, Maria Constantine's refreshing debut is available on Amazon.

I recommend this book to anyone who'd want to cross cultures and experience what it feels like to be Greek and single. You might be thankful for your situation. Anyone who wants something that would make them gain lessons on life and living it, love and feeling it, independence and gaining it,happiness and finding it. Simply put, anyone in search of anything heartwarming.

My work not done here. Off to post my review on Goodreads as well as Amazon.

Don't also fail to read Maria's Guest Post: My Chicklit Timeline.

Cover Reveal: Shannon's Law By Emma Calin (Fiction Addiction Tours)

COVER REVEAL

SHANNON'S LAW by Emma Calin

Thanks so much for hosting the Cover Reveal for my forthcoming contemporary romance SHANNON’S LAW. This is the second in my ‘Passion Patrol Series’ - steamy action-romances that feature sassy female cops who solve crimes, catch crooks and always get their man.

Blurb

Wild child inner city cop Shannon Aguerri walks a dangerous line between her methods and justice. When the bosses lose their nerve, after yet another maverick mission, she is transferred to green pastures to play out the role of a routine village cop. When she encounters signs of people and drug trafficking she homes in on serious millionaire criminals. As a loner she has attracted men but nothing has stuck. When she meets Spencer, the hunky and widowed Earl of Bloxington, there is an immediate rapport between them. Their social differences mean nothing to their passion and need. Already in the mix is an upper class female rival – who has long plotted her way into the Earl's bed. The jealousy is an evil shade of green and the anger is a violent scarlet. Often inhibited by a sense of duty and honour, Spencer is slow to reveal his feelings. When Shannon confronts him with the need to choose between her word and that of her rival, he does not immediately support her. All the same, when they are forced together to carry out a desperate rescue mission, their love is stronger than everything ranged against them.

Shannon’s Law USA Shannon's Law UK

(Pre-order paperback only at this stage)

I will be revealing snippets from the story, photos of places and people that inspired the venues and characters on Pinterest during my pre-launch book tour. There are already some scrap-book cuttings posted, take a look and follow my board to get updates: http://www.pinterest.com/emmacalin/shannons-law-launch-reveal-on-pinterest/

There is also news about the book on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/ShannonsLaw

(‘Likes’ are always appreciated.....)

I’m having two launch parties “Afternoon Tea At Bloxington Manor”. The first is online on the 28th Febrauary on Facebook and the second is LIVE at the English stately home that inspired the home of my hero on Sunday 2nd March. A local favourite venue for me, Avington Park in Hampshire is steeped in history and tradition. (Think genuine Palladian style rather than Downton Abbey neo-Jacobean). The private owners have kindly agreed to open up for us with a tour of the house and then tea and cake – oh and launch the book of course!

ooooOOOO Shannon's Law Cover Reveal Draw OOOOoooo

$30/£20 Amazon voucher

A pair of tickets to my Avington Park Launch Party 2nd March (UK only)

3 Advanced Review Copies of Shannon’s Law

EVERY entrant will receive a FREE gift of an audiobook of my short story Escape to Love.

Just click here: a Rafflecopter giveaway to register to win - either 'like' the Facebook page or comment on this blog to qualify for an extra 2 chances.

Good Luck!

About Emma Calin

Emma Calin was born in London in 1962. She currently lives in France and the UK. She has been writing since childhood and has won numerous local, national and international prizes for poetry and short stories.

"Knockout!" is the first of the “Passion Patrol Series” a stand-alone love story set against a backdrop of international gambling corruption and deception. Interpol cop Anna Leyton finds herself torn between love and duty when her professional and private life intersects. This book is now available in both paperback and Kindle formats.

“The Love in a Hopeless Place Collection” is a bargain anthology of 5 short stories and novelettes, available in paperback and digital formats.

"Sub-Prime" is a prize-winning hard hitting short story about courage, exploitation and love. It is a raw and brutal exposé of life at the bottom in the aftermath of recession.

"The Chosen" is also a short story, set in modern times where working people struggle to keep their dreams alive. A world where the promise of love motivates desperate measures.

“Escape To Love” is a 'novelette' (longer than a short story but shorter than a novella), a gritty urban romance with suspense and mystery but a love story at it's core.

“Angela” a short story about a late-night taxi journey.

“Love in a Hopeless Place” a novelette about a middle-aged woman striving to find her true identity.

Shannon’s Law USA Shannon's Law UK (Pre-order paperback only at this stage)

Knockout! (Passion Patrol Series)

The Love in a Hopeless Place Collection

Sub-Prime

The Chosen

Escape To Love

Angela

Love in a Hopeless Place

About.me page: http://about.me/emmacalin

Emma Calin Blog: http://www.emmacalin.blogspot.com

Emma Calin Website: http://www.emmacalin.com

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/emma.calin

and book page: http://www.facebook.com/ShannonsLaw

Twitter:https://twitter.com/EmmaCalin

Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/emmacalin/

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4915751.Emma_Calin

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This post is courtesy FictionAddictionBookTours. My review of Shannon's Law would be out soon. And you might want to enter and win the fabulous prices.

Signing off,

Kobby.

Book Review: Desperately Seeking Heaven By Jill Steeples

Blurb: Love always comes when you least expect it, at least that’s what PA Alice Fletcher tells herself as she looks forward to another Friday night of trash telly and wine-for-one.

But what happens when the unexpected is daytime TV crush Jimmy Mack, and he’s sitting on your couch watching the news… of the accident that claimed his life?

Soon, Alice finds her ordered life turned upside down by helping Jimmy cross over to the ‘other side

But most unexpected of all is Alice’s growing realisation that her gorgeous ghost has taken up residence in her heart as well as in her home.

Jill Steeples takes us through the journey of one simple P.A and her celebrity ghost, bringing us tears, smiles and warmth on the way.

Desperately Seeking Heaven follows Alice, a twenty-something P.A highly efficient with her job, and equally redundant in her dating life (thanks to a shitty two-timing bastard of a boyfriend). Driving home from work, she encounters a fresh motor accident scene and leaps out of her car to check the extent of the damage. Her bravery rewards her with Jimmy, the celeb TV host of a Daytime show she's most of the time glued to. She's shocked at how a victim of such an accident could still look gorgeously unscathed, probably thinking he's a celeb with makeup artists at his beck and call even in the most unlikely situations, she takes him home with her. It's only then on the tube, she finds out he's a ghost. A ghost only she can touch, see and talk to.

Jimmy is one hell of a ghost. He cooks. He (shamefully) cleans (for Alice). He flirts (bet you thought you could only see such stuff in Ghost Whisperer)! If he wasn't hot he'd probably look like a perv but he is, and Alice is attracted to this ghostly figure who makes her heart skip beats as though she's about to die herself. Perhaps that's his plan.

Though Alice might be having the best times of her life after all those years in spinster jail, she can't let this not-so-troubled spirit stay. She has to let him go. And go he will, if he's even willing to. Alice has to help him crossover, a skill you wouldn't otherwise want to endorse on LinkedIn thanks to her chanting out in the open calling upon whatever spirits to come claim the wandering soul (which doesn't work). Soon she discovers the longer he stays the stronger her emotional attachment to him.

But who am I kidding? She's loved him since Day 1: his TV debut.

Jill Steeples has a way of making you feel all romantic, for something you wouldn't otherwise feel if you are in the shoes of the main character. One, she crafts Alice with a pure heart of gold who'd weep when you kill a fly. Two, creating a Flirty, hot and quite the domestic ghost. Why would such a pairing not make you swoon? It's unlikely, the very reason you'd want to read the more—★

The storyline is perfect. I digged the blurb once I read it. Again, something very unlikely, something brilliant, something well plotted. I have read ghost titles before ranging from Mysteries of Scooby Doo to Carolyn Aspenson's Unfinished Business, but I haven't encountered a storyline crafted from the ordinary girl meets tall, dark, drop-dead-gorgeous ghost. Also, the fact that we'd all want the gift to take a glimpse into the world outside ours made this book hold the luster that appealed to me—★★

I love paranormal chicklit . Mainly because it puts lightly all the brouhaha these dark, paranormal writers have introduced the world to with lots of humor. And this book had humor. Not humor that would make you crack a rib, but one that would make you chuckle. Especially some of the quirky antics of our lead girl and her funny voice. It would be hard for you to fall off your chair, but it wouldn't be hard to fall for this one—★★★

This book ended on an amazing note. So beautiful. So soothing. Something that filled me with warmth for quite sometime after reading it. Amongst all other things Jill Steeples teaches readers to dream, believe, love and live life to the fullest. Lessons like second coming drums in the fact that life is short and you might not get another chance to live it.—★★★★

It was annoying for a while I thought it predictable till things happened that threw me of course—especially the events that led to a tragic incident in our lead girl's life.

I almost, almost 'loved, loved' this book. But a part of it was a bit slow-paced, and I really wanted the humor and suspense to have been tightened.

Anyway it was a good read that gave me the whole chest expansion feeling when I ended it. Like a great chick-lit.

My rating: Four stars.

Desperately Seeking Heaven by Jill Steeples is available on Amazon UK. Amazon.com and Kobo

I recommend this title to anyone up for something unique. Anyone who wants to go in for a lovable heroine. Anyone who wants chick-lit that would make you feel all tingly on the inside. And of course, anyone who loves their chick-lit out of the natural order.

My work not done here. Office to post my review on both Amazon and Goodreads.

Guest Post: Ellyn Oaksmith (Author of Divine Moves)

 Ellyn Oaksmith author of fab Divine Moves I recently reviewed, guest posts for the new year! Want to consider making resolutions before you dive right into the new year? Hear Ellyn Oaksmith out.

 

Why New Year’s Resolutions Will Ruin Your Life, Make a Mockery of You and Lose Your Dog’s Love… or not.

When I was fourteen, I took a trip through the Southwest glued to the back seat of my cousin’s car, which was approximately the size of a humpback whale. We ate at a lot of restaurants that featured things like sandwiches dipped in batter and fried and desserts with the words “wagon wheel” involved. Spa food it was not. Between those stops we ate ice cream, candy and whatever kind of junk we could con my uncle and aunt into buying, which was probably a lot because when we were eating, we couldn’t fill the car with fighting, blather and questions about where we were going, what we were doing and why tonight, we got the real bed instead of the cot based on a rotation that somehow no one could agree upon. My aunt and uncle probably relied heavily on cocktails to make the trip palatable.

The result of this trip was a lot of fun and great memories and one horrible moment when I, for the first time in my life, looked at myself in the mirror and said, “I need to go on a diet.” I had brought back from the Southwest my own personal saddle bags. On my thighs.

Being more of a kid than a teenager, I put this thought out of my mind. Until New Year’s Eve, when it seemed like a good time to proclaim to the world that I was going to lose weight. If you ever want your mother to wake you up in the wee hours before school to join her and her crazy friend at a local track, tell her that you want to lose weight.

I found myself huffing and puffing in the fog at an hour that I should have been safely tucked into bed.  My mom was the only one who managed to drag herself around that God forsaken track., which struck me as the perfect place for serial killers to hang out. If they woke up early.  Her friend always walked, claiming one ailment or another, which grew increasingly colorful (don’t ask) until she quit joining us altogether. I dragged myself home, looking forward to a hot shower that was about six seconds long because the run had put me in the flight line of my siblings, who needed the shower.  My six seconds of hot water were punctuated by people banging on the door and yelling. Thus began my first New Year’s resolution.

I now found myself getting pointed looks when I took an extra piece of bread at dinner. Of course I could have been imagining it but I did find out the one rule of diet that has always held true for me: go on a diet and not only will you not lose weight, you will be miserable. I had no clue how to diet, other than to eat things I didn’t like. My mother told me that as a flight attendant, back when they were called stewardesses and had weight requirements, a diet meant eating crackers, cheese and oranges, probably washed down with martinis. I do remember a single huge cracker with melted cheese and some apples being my lunch. I probably lost and gained the same five pounds several times before the next sport season started. I abandoned my diet and promptly lost all the weight and then some without trying.

My latest New Year’s Resolution brought out gales of laughter from my sister. Inspired by a blogger who even wrote a book about it, I was going to go an entire year, not without buying anything but food, as she had done but to go a year without new clothes. My sister, when she was done laughing said, “I give it 2 weeks. 3 tops.” Have I mentioned that my sister knows me better than any person on the planet, except my husband who has the decency and survival skills to pretend that some of my lamer plans have merit? Witness: my plan to make all my own maternity clothes that ended with one unfortunate dress that Laura Ingalls Wilder could have rocked.  The first person who saw me in the dress said, “Howdy.”

My plan not to buy any clothes came from a desire to live a simpler life. It wasn’t so much the money, it was the time it took to drive to the mall, shop, bring it home and often return them several times because I am a neurotic shopper. Or I used to be. Okay, I kind of still am. Had I known that my future as a mother of teen girls would mean many hours at the mall, I wouldn’t have bothered. I would have kept on shopping, which I didn’t do all that much. Still, I longed for the kind of life you see in magazines: houses that are neatly ordered with baskets and little clutter. Closets that are filled with color coordinated clothes that can take one from casual to dressy events without the shrieking and screaming one hour before I am supposed to be downtown that I have nothing to wear and I hate all my clothes. My husband’s reaction to this: keep getting dressed. Pass by wife’s closet as though deaf. Mention that we’re due to leave in ten minutes and a towel and wet hair is not “festive attire.”

My resolution about no new clothes lasted 3 weeks. I think it had something to do with something I needed. I have a walk in closet full of clothes. I needed these clothes because I needed something else. Which says more about my resolution that I’d care to discuss. Let’s just say I am not the first woman to seek happiness in a store. Spoiler: it’s not there.

So there you have my two New Year’s Resolutions. They resulted in my resolution for the past handful of years: not to make any more resolutions. I have been able to keep this one, along with a few muttered thoughts about being kinder, a better listener, housekeeper, mother and friend. I have promised my dog longer walks.

Overall I think the value of resolutions is the desire to be a better person. Hopefully we all have that. To me, if you are trying, you are alive. No matter if you voice your resolutions, light them on a paper and burn them or whisper them into the night air, it’s all for the greater good. I haven’t heard of anyone who wished to be meaner, nastier and to cut in front of people in traffic, although I have certainly met them.

So here’s to being better people in 2014. Or at least trying.

If you’re still casting around for a resolution, try this one: read my book!

(Click image to purchase)

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There you have it. Ellyn Oaksmith.

Check out my review of my the Fab Divine Moves.

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